Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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