That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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