I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
