3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Acid is not a monday night drug
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
