Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
