I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
