i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize