yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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