your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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