just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
