Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
