Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
