I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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