I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
