you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
