I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
