Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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