Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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