My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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