what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
