Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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