How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize