6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
