Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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