I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
