come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
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