I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
