oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
