stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
