Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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