Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize