Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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