Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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