Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
