if you like me you must not know who I am
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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