that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize