Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
