I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
