I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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