Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
