I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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