Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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