Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
