I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
