you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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