Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think i peed on brittanys purse
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
