Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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