I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
