It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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