I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
