Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
