he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
