I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
