My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize